* Sad Post Ahead...You've Been Warned*

From the moment hubby and I threw the birth control out the window until now, we have met many newborns. I have been invited to over a dozen baby showers and received many pictures of tiny fingers and toes. All around us, friends and family have welcomed 16 babies with the 17th baby due in a few months. That 17th baby, which I'll refer to as the "Lost Gift", is the biggest stinger of them all.

Each of these babies bring a sense of joy and jealousy to me all at once. I'm pretty sure I display both emotions when I'm forced to hear one pregnancy announcement after another. The majority of the parents are aware that we don't have children and only a handful know the hurt in our eyes and heart. Only a few know that this is the biggest hurdle of our lives. The rest probably don't think twice. After 4 years, I shouldn't be phased by all the babies around me, but the pain of loneliness and bitterness doesn't quite go away just because someone else was blessed with something you've been waiting to be blessed with.

Does a tree not make a sound when it falls in the forest?

Indeed it does and I make a lot of sound while the shower is running. That's my favorite crying spot. It's much easier to let the tears bellow out with the thunder of the shower. Perhaps my hiccups and snorts sound like I'm singing in the shower. But hubby is way too smart for that. He knows I'm in there hurt and crumbling. He just doesn't know what to say or do so he pretends that he doesn't hear me. Perhaps he's not pretending but standing beyond the door crying himself. He knows there's a solution to our pain but it's chilling with the needle in the haystack.

So to the parents of the "Lost Gift", you may try to ignore our tears that taste so sour or the pain that stings so deeply, but know that one day we will prevail. One day we will be blessed with a little one with tiny fingers and toes and I too shall call them a Gift.  I will teach them to give and not take and to love and care with all their heart. I want to instill a genuine desire to love those around them so their love one won't have to hide in their favorite crying spot.

From Maruki


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